Sticks and Stones WWJu Do?

For the last several weeks, I have been in a situation with a person who is dealing what I am seeing as emotional bondage/hostage situations with her partner. Said partner has huge issues related to being an adult VICTIM of child abuse. He is not yet a survivor as he's not faced his issues.

Dude has the most amazing lack of control over his rage. No, he doesn't hit.. but he does hit below the proverbial belt. But, boy oh boy, confront him with your perceptions of his behaviors and watch the fury fly. four times he called me screaming and I told him I would not talk with him while he was screaming and talking over me.. and then hung up.. the fifth call he started out talking for about ten seconds... then of course.. the rage took over. I just let him rant and rave about how stupid I was and how I was putting my emotional issues on him blah blah blah.. you are soooo wrong and soooo stupid .. etc. But with much more volume and hatred. Ok.. whatever floats your boat.. you just confirmed my assumptions of you though.

Over the last few months he's told her that "He can't stand to look at her." "it's her depression that's pushing him away" "she's a lousy mother' "I'm going to kill myself' 'I don't need therapy cuz I can out psychology any psychologist' ... and others. Then he puts the blame for one of his rages on someone else.. it's all just psychodrama.

What's your point then Sam? Why do people choose to stay and endure this behavior. I can freely admit that I was one of them for 8 long miserable years... except mine got physically violent and my life was threatened not once but several times.. if I said no, then I got non-violently raped anyway. Not just physically but emotionally.

Bruises fade and pain goes away.. but the emotional scars.. wow.. those can be doped up and painted over, but they are never really gone. So why do people choose to stay in these sorts of situtations?

Usually, the first excuse is that they believe that they are in some way responsible for this person's behavior. They had it coming.. they did something that hurt the other person and he/she is reacting rationally. (so NOT) Many have victim complexes to start with because they suffered being abused as children in one form or another. Some have social or financial issues that they have to consider .. they have no support network because the abuser has pushed everyone so far away, they may not have income or means to support themselves. They don't know about social programs in the community.. (though I can tell you that sometimes those do more harm than good) But mostly they excuse the abuser's behavior by figuring out how it was that they deserved what they got. It was all their fault.

Friends of the victim can try to help, but let me tell you that it usually backfires and you lose a friend. It becomes your fault for pushing them to be stronger. That's just a sad fact of the situation. Don't let that stop you, however, from making the attempt. Maybe, just maybe, what you have said will open their eyes just a touch and they will slowly realize that they really are perpetuating the behavior by making excuses. Sadly, not always.

I don't have any real resolution to this issue.. just what I have learned in a lifetime of dealing with abuse and abusive situations.

One thing I would like to pass on to everyone.. the word passion is overused and misused. Passion means to feel strongly about a thing, situation or belief. Passion is not rage. Rage is a whole other animal.

So, what would you do?