Critical Mass

I think that I may have reached an all time low. Happy Crappy Sappy Fuckin Birthday to me. Yeah, today is my birthday. I think I expect too much. There are people who want to do things with and for me today... I just can't get happy. It started last evening.

I had been painting all day so hadn't put much thought into anything but the picture I was trying to create. Suddenly I'm informed it's dinner time and I haven't done anything but paint all day. So off we go to the grocery store for instant food cuz by then it's way too late for me to cook. Then by the time we got home and ate it was time for G and Ed to hang out.. Ed is a friend of ours... a good friend. Anyway I digress... I was left alone again and then the thinking thing started in.

I have 2 teenage daughters that I haven't seen in six years. Thanks so much TJWIII.. yeah the infamous ex. Anyway.. my youngest turns 14 on Monday.. I left her Myspace comments and notes .. nothing.. same for the other daughter.. anyway .. it's a long ass story and keeping most of my laundry clean. This does effect how I feel right now, however. My oldest daughter, who lives in the same town as me and I see at least once a week, she was willing to do things with me even though she worked all night last night. I should have been happy right?

My friends Jordan and Traci both wanted to do things with me today... I should be happy right? G took me to the artists show today and I even found a lovely piece that I had to have.. and I have it.. I should be happy right?

All I can think of is.. I can't wait for this to be over. I can't bloody wait for this to be over.

I'm lucky, I know that I am.. I have people who love me, really good friends, I have a lovely day outside, I have pets who are excited every time I enter the room.. I should be fucking HAPPY right???

So, why? Why am I so damned UNHAPPY?

Happy Fuckin Birthday.