No, it's not today, it's next Saturday. I've just been thinking about things I should probably have just left in their little box and forgotten about completely.
So Mom's day was not so long ago.. My oldest called and told me happy moms day and that she was going to sleep (she works nights) And really, that's all I need.. just the acknowledgment that I matter to her right? Thing is, I have two other daughters. Not that you'd know it if you knew me. I haven't seen them in six years now. Not at all.
You see, I married a man (and I use that word very lightly here) who is incredibly charming and abusive as hell. Man carries a loaded weapon ALL the time. And no, he's not above pointing it at you and at the very least threatening your life. I wouldn't put it past him that he'd just shoot.
Anyway, I divorced him after I found out some nasty things about him. Unfortunately, by then I had three daughters.. and no money to fight. So I agreed to joint custody.. BIG mistake.
Well I had a breakdown one year.. and yeah it was a bad one.. just one of those times when life didn't hand you lemons it handed you hand grenades? Yeah... so yeah.. I did fall down on the job.. but was in process of getting the girls to my Mother's house when the 'state' decided to step in. Anyway long story short.. 2 years of fighting and crap in court houses where he always seemed to get his way no matter what.. no matter what story he told.. no matter than a moderator was so afraid for my safety that she had the sheriff's office escort me out of town one time.. and the casa worker told me he was only doing this to hurt me not because he thought he was the better parent.
Anyway.. shit happens.. especially when you don't have mommy and daddy forkin over the bucks to keep fighting.
So now.. I send cards and stuff now and then ... never hear back.. never hear shit.. a year ago he remarried and I called her.. she let me talk to the girls on the phone for a while.. now that seems to have been put a stop to as well.
I can write to the kids on myspace .. they don't write back. I sent them a book of stamps and addresses.. they don't write.. I have basically no clue who these people are anymore.
Am I angry? No. It's gone beyond that point.. I'm at the point of damn that hurts but I can't let it hurt anymore. I give up.. So mote it be.
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Blessings my friend. Words are hard o express. Some judges just don't get it and never will. I hope and yes pray the worst never happens and this many decides he's above everyone and pulls the trigger. We both know how independent girls can be. He won't be able to control them forever. Let's hope that they will see the light and find you. Until then, heal, breath, and love. We'll get you through this somehow.
So mote it be.
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