Sticks and Stones WWJu Do?

For the last several weeks, I have been in a situation with a person who is dealing what I am seeing as emotional bondage/hostage situations with her partner. Said partner has huge issues related to being an adult VICTIM of child abuse. He is not yet a survivor as he's not faced his issues.

Dude has the most amazing lack of control over his rage. No, he doesn't hit.. but he does hit below the proverbial belt. But, boy oh boy, confront him with your perceptions of his behaviors and watch the fury fly. four times he called me screaming and I told him I would not talk with him while he was screaming and talking over me.. and then hung up.. the fifth call he started out talking for about ten seconds... then of course.. the rage took over. I just let him rant and rave about how stupid I was and how I was putting my emotional issues on him blah blah blah.. you are soooo wrong and soooo stupid .. etc. But with much more volume and hatred. Ok.. whatever floats your boat.. you just confirmed my assumptions of you though.

Over the last few months he's told her that "He can't stand to look at her." "it's her depression that's pushing him away" "she's a lousy mother' "I'm going to kill myself' 'I don't need therapy cuz I can out psychology any psychologist' ... and others. Then he puts the blame for one of his rages on someone else.. it's all just psychodrama.

What's your point then Sam? Why do people choose to stay and endure this behavior. I can freely admit that I was one of them for 8 long miserable years... except mine got physically violent and my life was threatened not once but several times.. if I said no, then I got non-violently raped anyway. Not just physically but emotionally.

Bruises fade and pain goes away.. but the emotional scars.. wow.. those can be doped up and painted over, but they are never really gone. So why do people choose to stay in these sorts of situtations?

Usually, the first excuse is that they believe that they are in some way responsible for this person's behavior. They had it coming.. they did something that hurt the other person and he/she is reacting rationally. (so NOT) Many have victim complexes to start with because they suffered being abused as children in one form or another. Some have social or financial issues that they have to consider .. they have no support network because the abuser has pushed everyone so far away, they may not have income or means to support themselves. They don't know about social programs in the community.. (though I can tell you that sometimes those do more harm than good) But mostly they excuse the abuser's behavior by figuring out how it was that they deserved what they got. It was all their fault.

Friends of the victim can try to help, but let me tell you that it usually backfires and you lose a friend. It becomes your fault for pushing them to be stronger. That's just a sad fact of the situation. Don't let that stop you, however, from making the attempt. Maybe, just maybe, what you have said will open their eyes just a touch and they will slowly realize that they really are perpetuating the behavior by making excuses. Sadly, not always.

I don't have any real resolution to this issue.. just what I have learned in a lifetime of dealing with abuse and abusive situations.

One thing I would like to pass on to everyone.. the word passion is overused and misused. Passion means to feel strongly about a thing, situation or belief. Passion is not rage. Rage is a whole other animal.

So, what would you do?

History In the Making

Last night, the world saw a young man make Olympic history. A moment that will long be remembered.

For me though, it wasn't just the feat of strength, endurance and speed that make Michael Phelps a true champion. It's not just that he won every race he entered. Not the 7 world records and 1 Olympic record that he redefined. It's not the media hype he has received. For me, it was that moment when, having become the first Olympic athlete to win 8 gold medals in one Olympics and having won more gold medals in his Olympic career, being questioned on how he did it all, Michael said, "Without these guys (indicating his teammates) it would not have happened."

That one defining moment when he showed the world that not all American athletes are self-absorbed assholes.

Dara Tores, a 41 year old Olympic swimmer, also from the good ol' US of A, made sure that a race was stopped to wait for one of her competitors to change out of a torn swimsuit. That's right, she made sure one of her competitors got her Olympic moment.

Sure, there were other medalists, other great moments in Olympic history... American and otherwise, which were probably amazing for one reason or another. But, in my opinion, these two "ugly americans' are two of the greatest athletes in the 2008 Summer Olympics, so far. Perhaps 2 of the greatest of all time. Why? Not just because they swam their little hearts out, but because they personified what the Olympics should be about, sportsmanship.

Fields of Diamonds

I'm not overly fond of Diamonds.. but I like the analogy. You are standing, right now, in your field of diamonds.. yeah not the exact quote.. but close enuff for gubmint work.

It's been a long damned month hasn't it? Hot, smoky, miserable.. having relapses of some of my infections.. yippee... having discourse with a DA's office that thinks I should pay for the privelege of not being able to see my children out of fear of their paternal. I kinda got dragged down a bit.

Still haven't photo'd and got the paintings up for sale yet.. sigh.. no time for procrastination like the present.. unless it's tomorrow.

But I should be counting my blessings instead of bitching about all the crap that's been floating down around me.

I got to go to a gathering of Faeries just recently.. Faerieworlds. Wow.. just wow overload.

I've never seen a crowd of people like this in my life. I've seen a lot of crowds that were rowdy and out of control... this one was rowdy and totally cool. Not one single fight in .. hmm what was it.. 11 hours? I ended up sitting in the shade for most of the day just watching people go by cuz I'm not feeling 100% yet.. Ok I'm not even feeling 75% right now. Anyway.. it was amazing.

I'm already making plans for next years event. I wish the real world worked that smoothly together. I really do. Bigguns, liluns, tall, short, old, young all of em dancing and carrying on together and, from what I could see, all having a great time!
http://s49.photobucket.com/albums/f271/charmzpix/Faerieworlds%202008/
Rather than try to post a bunch of pictures.. I'm just gonna link you up..

Thoroughly Satiated Nacho

Sounds like I had a good time or ate a whole lot of something don't it? Well, I did have a good time but I bet it's not what you were thinking.

I spent the day listening to a band called Woodland, the album is called Twilight. Just freaking WOW! So wow, in fact, that I was inspired to paint.. and what a painting.. but then I wasn't satisfied to just leave it at that.. ohh nooooo... I got those glass jewel thingies that you see in flower arrangements and sometimes aquariums? yeah those dealies. I glued em all around the outside edges of the main subject of the painting like a brilliant flashy frame. I'm sooooo in love. I'll take and post a pic when it's dry in the morning.

Hopefully by Sunday I will have four finished artworks to sell on Ebay. Gonna start the bidding kinda low, $75 for 16x20 canvases.. except this latest one cuz in honesty? I don't wanna get rid of it.. but I will if they wanna pay what I want for it. It's going up for $150 min bid. All of it is, of course, Pagan inspired art. Prolly because I'm a Pagan inspired me.

Right well... I'm jazzed.. off to watch porn.

Thank Heaven 4 Little Girls

I've noticed something, recently, little kids love me. I think it's because we are on the same wavelength. I just wanna play too! Probably because I'm willing to, no matter how serious the class is that we are having, drop it and play with the kids for a while. Kids are more important than any old class.

I miss my kids.

I want grandbabies. I hear they are much more fun than kids of your own. You get to spoil em rotten and send em home. Buy all the really cool loud toys that you would have killed people for giving to your own children.. and send em home! I think that's the whole thing.. you get to send them home!

For some reason, today, I feel really low. Not depressed just .. hmm more like suppressed.. like I just don't have the energy to get moving. Eh anyway that's today, tomorrow is a different day.

Brought the newbs through their very first circle cast. Kim had a gratifying reaction to casting.. she felt all tingly and her hair stood up. Heh.. it's always good for them to feel and know that they aren't just playing pretend.

I want a nap... lil late for that right now so I'll settle for early bedtime. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Tomorrow is going to be crazy...gotta do laundry and find the rest of the living room under all that junk. Find a place to put the big fountain where it won't be full of doggy tail all the time.. yeah.. busy day.

Martian Child... if you haven't seen it... do.

Phail!!!@!

I must have flunked girl while growing up. I suck so very badly at all the womanly things. Well, ok I can cook and I can cook really well... but everything else? So not. I'm a horrible housekeeper. I just don't have the desire to get it done. I absolutely abhor doing dishes.. it's like what my idea of hell would be if I believed in hell.. a never ending pile of nasty dishes and icky soap water. In the immortal words of Captain James Tiberius Kirk... "There's got to be...... .... ..... a better way!"



Don't get me wrong, except for one week every month I don't find being female repulsive. I just don't get the whole gender role bit. All in all, I'd rather be slaying dragons.



I am in awe, yes, you heard me correctly, I said AWE of anyone who can fold a fitted sheet so that it looks nice lying there. I don't fold them... I sort of wad them up and hope that no one ever looks.



I'd love to live in a nice, clean, magazine page type home, but I'm aware of my limitations.. until I can afford a daily maid? It's not going to happen.



Has anyone seen my keys?

Fiction? Fact? Which is more real?

Back when I was teaching Witchcraft 101 to a group of which I used to be part, unfortunately all of my 'student's' thought they already knew all that stuff and really didn't need what I was teaching. It was just a required course to get to Priest/ess grade. I would use different texts as part of my teachings. One particular text is the 21 Lessons of Merlin by Douglas Monroe.

Now, obviously, no one has anything written by or sanctioned by Merlin.. right? I mean, come on.. if Merlin existed at all it was so long ago that any direct access to his work is lost. The 21 Lessons is a work of fiction. Mr. Monroe never makes any bones about it being something written by or written about the teachings of.. Merlin the Sorcerer. It's a teaching tool using parables to teach an idea. (Yeah, I know, this looks like a tangent but I swear I'll get to the point eventually.) It's a group of meditations on WWMD. (what would Merlin do?)

So, one of my students who is a self-proclaimed priestess by dint of having started a group, but completely untrained in the ways of the wise.. hell I'm not even sure how many books she's read because she didn't even have an inkling of how to raise energy.. tells me, "I object to using this as part of our training because it's a complete work of fiction.".

Uh.. Hello? I don't know anyone who has a direct line of witchcraft from the old days except maybe Streghans and some Greek forms of witchcraft.. maybe Gypsy.. anyway.. as far as what we now conceptualize as the 'old' religion is entirely a work of fiction. So, if this work of fiction has no bearing on what witchcraft is or should be.. how does Gerald Gardner, Alastair Crowley, Ray Buckland or Raven Silverweird have any sort of merit? They are all people who had a concept, ran with it, poured enough energy into it that it became. That's what the basis of Magic is anyway isn't it? Taking a concept and making it real? I thought that's what the point was.

This got me to thinking about other books and stories that have helped to mold me into who I am now. Richard Bach... he's not a high holy man nor does he have a more direct link to Divinity than any of the rest of us.. yet some of his concepts have touched me far more profoundly than say the Holy Bible. Dan Brown, he's just some guy who came up with an idea that just happens to challenge all that we have been taught about religion as a whole. Again, they are just stories.. pure fiction.. there is probably no such thing as a Seagull who has conscious thought other than food, sex, food, poop, sex, food; and yet, Johnathon Livingston Seagull touched a generation of readers in ways that could never have been forseen. I doubt that there is a walking on water, no gas using biplane pilot out cruising fields and teaching divine IS ism either... if there is, I've never met him. But again.. the story of Donald the Pilot Messiah (Illusions) touched many of us in ways that were probably never intended. Dan Brown's theories may have some basis in reality, or maybe not... but the point is he questioned the accepted truths and opened an avenue for imagination.

Where the Wild Things Are is based in a child's imagination.. and it led many of us to imagine our own strange universes filled with characters that belong only to us. The Three Little Pigs taught us that it's probably not a good idea to build a house with sticks or straw, when with a bit more work and a firm foundation we can be safer from the Big Bad Wolf. The Little Red Hen taught us the merits of being helpful.. that if you help, you might get a bit of the profit of the endeavor. The Emporer's New Clothes taught us that vanity is not very useful nor will it keep us warm when a cold wind blows.

Hmmm then I think that Goldilocks and Hansel and Gretel taught us that breaking and entering is ok.. except that they got their just rewards for breaking in and taking others' things. (Though H and G committed homicide) Anyway, I digress...

Humanity has a need to quantify and lable things. That's how we deal with the world at large. The stories we tell, and have told for as long as we can remember, those stories helped to teach us of simple concepts and ideas. They have been used as warnings not to do things that might get you hurt, and reminders that good deeds usually are rewarded.

None of the stories I have listed have basis in reality or truth except in how they help us to mold our reality and truths. So never try to tell me that fiction has no merit in learning. Sometimes fiction can open your eyes to reality far better than biographies or historical texts... and it's usually more fun to read as well.

Lord of D'Ants

Ahhh Midsummer! Hotter than seventeen shades of Hades. Tempers and passions run wild. It's acting almost like dog days in late July/early August around here.

While the world sits stultifying in this sultry air, we merry Pagans have just celebrated Midsummer's Eve. Yes indeed we did. Celebrated it HARD!

Our little group, (I refuse to call it a coven because covens tend to fall apart at a moments notice) gathered at one member's home for our Faerie rite. We even dressed up for the event. By dint of having had the most years of experience and of having written the ritual, I got to be High Priestess/Faerie Queen Niamh. There are only six of us so.. that left one Gent to play Pan and one .. hmm can I call Jordan a Gentleman? The darling drama queen.. anyway.. and three ladies to play the Elementals. We didn't have drummers this year, maybe next year.. we've decided to do the same ritual next year with some actual practice put into it and see if we can't make it a grand bit of ritual theatre. Only next year, Jordan wants to play the Faerie Queen cuz he says, after all.. he's always a fairy. It would be cool if we could find someone to play Oisin as well and a white horse but I'm not going to hold my breath.





So it was somewhere in the upper 80s to low 90s yesterday afternoon depending on what therm you read.. hot hot hot hot hot... But we danced and frolicked anyway. It was a good time. Then for libations we had some rose petal muffins and rose petal/green tea/lemongrass iced tea... mmmmm..




Pagans do not diet.. in case you had wondered.. well we might try but we fail miserably because every time we gather we feast. Last night was no exception.. red wine and gobs of groceries later the lightening started. That was very cool because a portion of our ritual is calling to the Zephyrs who bring lightening. Spifftacular... it showed up a bit late but it showed up and that's what matters.

Traci, the gorgeous dolt, was wearing a dress we shopped for at the uh... second hand really cheap stores.. hah.. No commercial for YOU! Anyway... wow.. oh my gawd.. she was STUNNING! She kept hugging me..which is a good thing.. but keep in mind that I'm only 5'2" and she is more like 5'10" ... and umm when she would throw her arms around me my face always ended up buried in her cleavage.. (I can resist anything but temptation damnit).. I tried sooooooooo hard to behave myself.. alas it was slightly doomed. I did comport myself in a reasonably socially acceptable manner but that one wubbba in the bewbage had to happen. I swear.. it was one of those damnit it must happen moments.

T's partner who prefers to remain nameless short of Gwiddion was our Pan.. he did a fabulous job dancing all the elementals and the one lonely newb around the ring and bringing them to me for blessings.

Jordan read the story of Niamh and Oisin and it was very dramatic seeing our fairy faerie prince prancing around reading the story.. he has a gift.. I'm just not sure what that gift is... drama anyone?

So, today is my day to recouperate from all the good times and energy expended. Come on frozen lasagna... I'm ready for ya!

Critical Mass

I think that I may have reached an all time low. Happy Crappy Sappy Fuckin Birthday to me. Yeah, today is my birthday. I think I expect too much. There are people who want to do things with and for me today... I just can't get happy. It started last evening.

I had been painting all day so hadn't put much thought into anything but the picture I was trying to create. Suddenly I'm informed it's dinner time and I haven't done anything but paint all day. So off we go to the grocery store for instant food cuz by then it's way too late for me to cook. Then by the time we got home and ate it was time for G and Ed to hang out.. Ed is a friend of ours... a good friend. Anyway I digress... I was left alone again and then the thinking thing started in.

I have 2 teenage daughters that I haven't seen in six years. Thanks so much TJWIII.. yeah the infamous ex. Anyway.. my youngest turns 14 on Monday.. I left her Myspace comments and notes .. nothing.. same for the other daughter.. anyway .. it's a long ass story and keeping most of my laundry clean. This does effect how I feel right now, however. My oldest daughter, who lives in the same town as me and I see at least once a week, she was willing to do things with me even though she worked all night last night. I should have been happy right?

My friends Jordan and Traci both wanted to do things with me today... I should be happy right? G took me to the artists show today and I even found a lovely piece that I had to have.. and I have it.. I should be happy right?

All I can think of is.. I can't wait for this to be over. I can't bloody wait for this to be over.

I'm lucky, I know that I am.. I have people who love me, really good friends, I have a lovely day outside, I have pets who are excited every time I enter the room.. I should be fucking HAPPY right???

So, why? Why am I so damned UNHAPPY?

Happy Fuckin Birthday.

Bugs On the Windshield of my Mind

I have strings today.. strings of words running merrily through the gray matter.. so I'm gonna run with em and see what happens.

Recession, depression, repression of expression. Reaction, retraction, distraction and attraction. Instigate, investigate, irritate and enervate. Emotion, devotion, explosion and erosion. Objection, correction, abolition and absorption. Segregation, degradation, integration and elation.

Hmmm.. I don't really know where all this is going. It seems that one word leads into the next. Like you start with one and move on through the list as a natural progression. Lawd amighty I'm full of 'shuns' today.

For some reason it brings to (my mind anyway) mind the steps to conquering and/or learning to live with emotional illnesses like Clinical Depression. A serious bout of depression is almost always followed by a prolonged period of anxiety. You start at rock bottom and find the tools to start rebuilding your life. Then, just when it seems like you are making headway, the disease takes control and starts tearing your world apart at an alarming rate. Once you realize what the issue is, then you begin the process of learning to live with the issue in order that you get your life back on track (assuming you had a track in the first place, of course).

The worst thing about depression and anxiety is that it's cyclical. You never really control the beast, you just learn to deal with life around it. All but one of the medications I've ever been prescribed for it make me suicidal. I don't believe in suicide.. figure it's just a way to start over and learn the same lessons til you get it right. No thanks, once is plenty. I want the answers so that I never have to deal with the same thing again.

In my case, the depression is anxiety driven. I really do think so. I think that GAD overwhelms your intellect to the point where depression can sink it's yellow fangs deeply into your psyche. The only medication I've had so far that controlled the GAD was Valium, and the docs don't like to prescribe it because of it's addictive properties and it's potential for misuse. For a while, magnolia bark was a good way to control it.. but I built up an immunity to it over a period of time.

If anyone has all the answers, I wish they would stop by my blog and enlighten me.

Goo Occurs!

Sunday, 6/8/08 well then that was something. Many know I am a witch, but how many know that I mean it?

One of my circle mates (coven I guess but I am not pleased with coven realities) has been experiencing a lot of crap from her past lately. It's really been making her ill and miserable when usually she is one of those who has it all together. PTSD is NOT a fun or interesting state of being. I know this first hand.

Anyhoo, instead of beating around more bushes and making this story much longer than it needs to be cuz y'all don't know her and stuff..

The group decided to help her out with an Auric Cleansing and Chakra alignment. So, we gets to the thing. The only real 'Newb' in the group got to experience something just as she was thinking that maybe Magic isn't real.. maybe she was just kidding herself etc. The Priest and I led Miss K. through a series of grounding and centering exercises and then had her lie down on a sofa... put clear quartz crystals on all but the heart chakra where we used a piece of rose quartz. Starting at the crown and third eye chakra's we had her tone until she could see them spinning and feel the vibrations in the proper places. Ok so then the Priest puts his hands a few inches away from her head and does a sweep. A small wisp of smoky looking stuff came out of her head and into his hands.. then on to the throat chakra.. not much happened there either. When he finally got to her heart chakra.. wow. I had the newb come sit by me where she could see what was actually happening.. it was almost like a fog machine with a light show.. seriously. You could see the gunk coming up out of her heart chakra like crazy.. it took over 15 minutes to clear that one out. Strangely enough her solar plexus chakra was completely clear.. not one little bit of anything .

Finally we got to her belly chakra.. holy shit.. I was sitting to the side and watching (since I was having the Priest learn to do this and he kept pulling up wads of gunk that looked like ecto spider web except that it kept stretching and trying to get back inside. So I had to go and help him get this gunk out. First we worked on finding the exact spot where it resided and started working together to get handfuls of this sticky stretchy gunk (yes you could actually feel it on your hands like ectoplasm only ickier) Finally after about 15 minutes I had to stop, I was physically sick to my stomach and I've never had that strong a reaction to an auric cleansing before. Just ewwww... and the priest continued to work for another 20 minutes that I know of. We never did completely clear all the crap out of her system so we set a psychic fire to harden it up some so it could be broken and scooped.

Her Base chakra and root chakra were pretty mild in comparison to the heart and belly.. so a bit anti climactic.. but the point of this whole soliloquy is.. The 'Newb" got to really experience real magic and see the physical manifestations of the crap we carry around in our systems. She was a bit overwhelmed but jazzed all at the same time.

Right so.. I guess the real point is.. Magic works.. and it's real.

In Her Service

And Loud - Blue Flower Echo

From a cherry cloud... well that's a blast from the past.

So yesterday was rant and whine day.. today is WTF? So, I gets up off my arse and wanders out to the mailbox because hey.. it gets me up off my arse and movin around at least and out of this open doored prison for a bit right? I get a nice letter from OR Dept of Revenue.. "neat", I thinks to myself cuz there wasn't anyone there to say it to right? So.. I open said letter.. Dear Ms. W... you owe the county of Coos $2061 and if you don't pay it rightthefucknow we are going to take away your driver's license, garnish your bank accounts and wages and blah blah blah... well I've been in Coos County a couple times, but never been in any trouble there?

So I call the really clueless but nice man at the DOR and he says.. well you were driving without insurance in a car with washington license plates in the town of Roe? Roe? Who the hell lives in Roe? Where is Roe? I've not even gotten a speeding ticket for pities sakes.. two parking tickets but they are paid... umm so I said.. never heard of let alone been in Roe.. and I thought I had been a lot of places in Oregon? So he reads me an ODL number that's sooo not mine.. and a d.o.b. that's almost a full year before my time.. ummm nope not me...

"You need to call Coos County and fix this." says he. So I does. They don't know what the heck they can do about it as all their records have a different d.o.b. and ODL than mine too.. so I call the State back. An hour later they finally call me and guess what? It wasn't me! I coulda told ya that!

Right so where were we? I was walking out to the mail box.. hmmm my train wrecked.. Please stand by but off the tracks while the emergency crews clean up the mess.. it'll be back on track in a few.. I know it will... I hope .. I .. ummm

Anyway, I'm MSal this week.. and so it's bake cookies week. MMMM made turtle cookies just now they are all warm and gooey and filled to the brim with yummy goodness and walnuts.

Ok I guess that train is a gonner.. I'll be back when I figure out whatever it was I wanted so desperately to say.. I'm sure it was of vital importance to world peace or someshit..

Happy Birthday To Me

No, it's not today, it's next Saturday. I've just been thinking about things I should probably have just left in their little box and forgotten about completely.

So Mom's day was not so long ago.. My oldest called and told me happy moms day and that she was going to sleep (she works nights) And really, that's all I need.. just the acknowledgment that I matter to her right? Thing is, I have two other daughters. Not that you'd know it if you knew me. I haven't seen them in six years now. Not at all.

You see, I married a man (and I use that word very lightly here) who is incredibly charming and abusive as hell. Man carries a loaded weapon ALL the time. And no, he's not above pointing it at you and at the very least threatening your life. I wouldn't put it past him that he'd just shoot.

Anyway, I divorced him after I found out some nasty things about him. Unfortunately, by then I had three daughters.. and no money to fight. So I agreed to joint custody.. BIG mistake.

Well I had a breakdown one year.. and yeah it was a bad one.. just one of those times when life didn't hand you lemons it handed you hand grenades? Yeah... so yeah.. I did fall down on the job.. but was in process of getting the girls to my Mother's house when the 'state' decided to step in. Anyway long story short.. 2 years of fighting and crap in court houses where he always seemed to get his way no matter what.. no matter what story he told.. no matter than a moderator was so afraid for my safety that she had the sheriff's office escort me out of town one time.. and the casa worker told me he was only doing this to hurt me not because he thought he was the better parent.

Anyway.. shit happens.. especially when you don't have mommy and daddy forkin over the bucks to keep fighting.

So now.. I send cards and stuff now and then ... never hear back.. never hear shit.. a year ago he remarried and I called her.. she let me talk to the girls on the phone for a while.. now that seems to have been put a stop to as well.

I can write to the kids on myspace .. they don't write back. I sent them a book of stamps and addresses.. they don't write.. I have basically no clue who these people are anymore.

Am I angry? No. It's gone beyond that point.. I'm at the point of damn that hurts but I can't let it hurt anymore. I give up.. So mote it be.

Yours 'Til the Holy Chao Moos

Some days I have so little emotional attachment to the world in general. I know you know what I'm talking about, brokengiveafuckitis. Days like this it's a very good thing I'm not President. Things would go boom, heads would roll.

I think I'm in dire need of intellectual stimulation. This whole, not having a job, not having anything except house cleaning to do.. gawd it's gotten old fast. I find that I have less and less patience with, well, pretty much everything. I spend way too much time locked up in my own mind.. it's a dark and stormy landscape in there.. you don't wanna spend much time inside.

I find myself bored. I've never experienced bored before this last year. I don't like it much I can tell ya. It's not a happy place for me, leads to much masturbation and ennui. I have discovered that I'm a disgusting freak! There are things that get my motor running that might not be to everyone's taste... sometimes not even to mine.. it disgusts me and I like it.

I can't find much inspiration about anything to write, draw or paint either.. and with my Poser installation broken and seeming unfixable at this point, I can't even fart around with that. I spend my day staring at the screen, surfing porn, watching lame ass watch it now movies on Netflix, talking to the dogs and cat..

Did I mention that it's dismal outside? Week before last it was so hot you couldn't breath, this week it's cold and drizzly. My knee is acting up and I still don't have enough energy to go out for a walk or anything.. couldn't probably hold a job right now if I had one. Sigh, this sucks. Honestly, I don't know what to do about it either. Won't be long before the depression sets in good and strong I'm sure. I have really got to get better and get moving because otherwise this is way too slow suicide.

Whiny? me? ya think?

Never Gonna Happen

I'm not going to live, looking over my shoulder, wondering where, when, why it will hit. Why my words will be considered offensive by someone who doesn't even know who I am or what I'm about. I declare my independence day today.

So here is my declaration..

If my words offend thee, unless I deliberately set out to offend, maybe you should look at what's broken inside your own life and needs fixing?

If my words hurt you and I did not write directly to you? It ain't about you.. what right have you to be hurt by my words?

I'm only words on a page until such time as I choose to reveal myself to you.. you don't know me until I have spilled my heart into yours. I don't know you either..

If you are afraid to be contradicted, if you can't stand criticism, if you can't take different opinions as what they are, opinions, then you shouldn't be reading what I've got to say... ever.

Like Sands Through the Hourglass

"The descent', she decided, 'into madness hadn't really been so much a descent." Had it? After all, descent rather denotes a steady downhill pace progressing to a pre-determined destination. Didn't it? Perhaps she was wrong, but she couldn't see how she might have been.

For her, the trip to insanity had been more an arduous climb, clinging tightly to the chinks of conformity, acceptability ... normalcy, if you will. She'd held each small bit of normal in such a firm grip, in fact, that they'd crumbled in her hands. Small bits had slipped quietly through her fingers at first. Just dust, really.. maybe sand. But as time went on the pieces that fell grew increasingly large as she neared the summit of sanity. They slipped more and more easily from her grasp.

She supposed that she had gotten tired, through the years. Tired of holding on. Tired of fighting the inevitable. Her body protested each step, each reach and each breath.

Meaningless platitudes played over and over in her mind as she struggled to hold on to the side of the cliff of normal.

"You can do it, it's just a little bit longer." "You're strong, we have faith in your ability!" "Let go and let God help you!" "It's all going to be okay!"

Along with the mindless chatter of good intentions, she heard a steady stream of negative reinforcements.

"You're stupid! You'll never amount to anything!" " You're UGLY!" "You'll never make it, you never finish anything you start anyway!"

The light of a warming, caring sun gave way to a dark and slow drizzle of depression. A bitter chill wind of despair stole what small measure of hope she still had retained.

So, no, not really a descent.. more of a tiring climb to the very edge of sanity.. followed by a sudden, short but shattering fall into the chasm of crazy.

She laughed. She laughed hard and long as the surreal faces entered and left her vision. " Not really faces', she thought, 'just sad, kind eyes that hovered over rectangles of pale blue fabric." She laughed while disembodied hands clutched at her. Grasping, tugging, guiding hands.

"It's not so bad here in crazy!', she thought, 'The monsters here actually look like monsters. Back in normal the monsters looked like neighbors, like friends... could be anyone really. You could never tell, back in normal', she thought, 'what things really were."

Copyright, Sam 4/12/08 just barely. I can't sleep.. so you get the brunt of my way too fertile imagination. Welcome to my world.